Who are we?

Who is the person behind the mask? 

Hey, Laverne, here; I seem to be more interested in philosophizing tonight than in sleeping. So let's get into it. 

It has been said that in a relationship between two people, as in the case of a heterosexual couple, there are four realities: who he thinks he is, who he thinks she is, who she thinks she is and who she thinks he is. So the way I identify myself may be quite a bit different from the way you identify me. Why does this matter? Well, if I think of myself as a philosopher, I will live the life of a philosopher; whereas if I'm identified as a party animal I will probably be bored with philosophy, and will live more for the dopamine of fun and exhilarating experiences.

And if I think of myself as a decent person who never should be doing anything wrong... or worse, if I think of other people as my judges who can declare me as worthy (or unworthy) of respect or love, then I will be rigid with myself, anxious or vigilant around other people, and will spend a lot of energy trying to give the "judges" reasons to give me their stamp of approval. On the other hand, if I declare myself as my own judge, if I trust myself in intuiting what kind of life will bring me the ultimate satisfaction, then I will have a much simpler process; I'll be eliminating unnecessary middlemen, and will be able to act spontaneously and be in flow. 

So believing in our inner guidance gives us self-approval, and deferring to the input of others brings us their approval (hopefully!). Do we have to choose between the two? Anyone thinking about it for a moment may realize that even if we're following our internal guidance, we still do well to pay attention also to external feedback. The internal guides us in the present moment, and the external results and feedback provide the data that we can use to create even better results in a future situation. 

Now many of us have been walking around with a sort of mask on our faces, because we want an appearance and a behaviour that is socially acceptable. Because we try hard to qualify for the reputation that we think we deserve. And here we could go down a long bunny trail about what we think we deserve, because this varies so much from person to person, doesn't it? And aren't our results all either limited or allowed by what we think we deserve? Especially if we want praise or respect or idolization, we tend to get what we are ready for, because people seem to be so hungry for someone or something to venerate. 

I find myself getting very fascinated by this, even as I'm writing. 

I'd like to relate some of my own experience on wearing a mask or a facade: sometimes I want to show up without a mask, without a filter; but I hold back because I think it's risky. Because I think it will rock people's boat, me showing up as a different person. Aren't I supposed to be my normal self, so that people can know what to expect? 

And this brings me back to the question of the purpose of life. Some might say life is for enjoyment; others might say it's for evolution; others say it's about love. Let's say life is about agape love; and this kind of love is not always comfortable, not always what we are used to. And sometimes it means tough love, which means that we're looking beyond the comfort and pleasure of the moment; we're looking further than just avoiding pain or discomfort in the moment. We make an investment, in faith; an investment of effort, of courage, of compassion, or of passion for our growth and evolution. 

I don't know if you've been stuck in people pleasing; but I certainly have. For me it was a way of avoiding the discomfort of getting people's disapproval. And I stayed in that people pleasing pattern until the frustration of being stuck in it became greater than the fear of breaking out into the unknown of what you might call anarchy, that state between codependency and self-mastery. 

Now here I want to put in a good word for my parents and the teachers I had as a child. I was subjected to quite a strict discipline (by today's standards in modern day North America), which to some may seem harsh; but I do see the benefits that it has brought me: I'm sure I was saved relationship heartaches; and I've generally had a reputation as an easygoing person, one who can easily blend in with a community. 

And finally I was frustrated with simple obedience and not getting the results that I wanted. Not having the satisfaction that I wanted. I wasn't living a kind of life that I could be proud of; I wasn't content with the low level of my character; I didn't seem to be making any progress in my personal life. 

I know it was painful for my whole family, and other acquaintances, for me to drift away. I was obviously upset; and I did project some of that onto the people and circumstances. And I still have some old relationships to heal, as I learn to heal those old codependent parts in myself. But ultimately I see myself taking more and more responsibility for my own life. I've even heard people say that I look as if I don't care about what other people think. Now some of that is because of a facade devoid of emotions and because I default to minding my own business and not engaging much with other people, resulting in a sort of aloofness. However, I am consciously practising to influence myself and to let go of excessive influences from others, because I'm learning that going with the crowd doesn't necessarily serve anyone. Letting go of upsetting energy, frenzied energy, chaotic or disturbing energy. This seems to serve not only myself, in reducing my own stress, but also has a calming effect on those around me. (This took me many years to realize, since it's such an invisible thing that happens. I do like to think of it as a superpower, sop that I'm practising the releasing not only for my own survival and wellbeing, but that it also gives me a sense of purpose and satisfaction to think that I can serve others just by dissipating chaotic energy.)

Let me just end with a few thoughts about identity. As I kid I heard my mother call me shy, and also that I'm not a leader. She and my aunt were talking about the social activities of us young people, and she said, "Well, Laverne is no leader; he's far from a leader." That was an uncomfortable truth to swallow, because I wanted to be significant; I wanted to be funny and smart and create fun and good times. But she was right in one sense. 

In one sense, I say, because that was only an identity that I had created, a rut of self-suppression and conformity that I had got into. An identity that even now, decades later, I'm still in the process of changing. And even though I'm not yet getting the results that I crave, I think I've come across a very important key: I can influence situations and people primarily with my intentions, with my thoughts, feelings and actions. By embodying the inner harmony, tranquility and bliss that I wish for others.